Davenport, Iowa, world renowned as one of the top ten places to eat Qdoba in the United States, found itself front and center on the national stage this week.  Scientists at the Mary Tyler Moore School for Feminist Kickboxing, Crotch Maiming, and Olfactory Research have reportedly pinpointed the cause of 97.4% of “bad smells and unsettling odors.”  The source, Gail Goldenstream, or as scientists have dubbed him, Smell Monster #9 or the Missing Stink, is considered to be extremely dangerous.  Goldenstream lives in a modest garbage pile behind Davenport’s diaper recycling plant and is attempting to re-enroll in the third grade, much to the chagrin of locals.

 

“Its diet is sort of an inversion of the food pyramid, plus liberal doses of garlic,” explained Dr. Arnold Fitzsimmons, one of the researchers studying Goldenstream.  “In fact, one of my colleagues has just published an intensely interesting paper arguing that the Smell Monster probably bathes in its own urine for up to 15 hours a day.”

 

Fitzsimmons cautioned the curious against trying to meet Goldenstream:  “If you’re about 100 miles away he’ll smell like the non-smoking section of an Applebee’s in Tucson or Omaha.  But once you’re within a 5-mile radius the odor is incredibly pungent – almost suffocating.  It resembles Satan’s fresh dung and animal bile baking under the scorching rays of a Mojave Desert sun.”

 

“I always thought he smelled,” said Davenport resident Dorel Silverthorn, “but I wasn’t going to say anything.  I mean, what do I know?  I’m not a scientist – my sense of smell is very pedestrian.  I’m just glad that there’s hard data to back it up now, cause he smells like shit.”

 

Smell Monster #9 could not be reached for comment.